Furthermore, without so much defensiveness, you will be able to send clearer messages and will be better able to hear the other’s perspective. Once this safe haven and feelings of connection are re-established, you will be better able to manage conflict and the painful or difficult feelings that will inevitable arise from time to time in a close relationship. The building of “a safe haven” in your relationships is the primary task that leads to focusing on your primary needs - to feel close, secure and responded to. Johnson emphasizes adult attachment theory and how EFT allows people to send clear emotional signals to their partners. This is the emotional focus of Emotionally Focused Therapy. In return, other significant people in our life are better able to respond from their heart in kind. In time, we begin to “listen with the heart,” one of the cornerstones of EFT - which means listening not for the literal meaning of another’s words, but for the feelings that lie beneath. In a relatively short time, couples, families and individuals begin to recognize and eventually express their needs for love, support, protection and comfort that are often hidden or disguised by the harsh or angry words used in repetitive self-defeating patterns, conflict or arguments with each other and sometimes directed at ourselves. EFT focuses on these patterns and begins changing the negative interaction cycles in a non-judgmental environment. EFT involves a style that combines both following and guiding a client’s experiential process, and emphasises both relationship and intervention skills. It is inspired by both humanistic and gestalt traditions in psychology. Furthermore, these behavior patterns seem to take on a life of their own as they cycle into repetitive interactions that cause much pain, injury and despair. Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) is an empirically-supported, evidence-based treatment developed over many decades. These behaviors can become habitual or rigid modes of reacting to our partners, family members and other significant people in our lives. We may become anxious, fearful, numb or distant. When those we are attached or connected to are not available, or are not responding to our needs to feel close or supported, we feel distressed. Dynamic Emotion Focused Therapy (DEFT), developed by Susan Warren Warshow, is based on decades of clinical observation of the effects of dysregulated shame. When we argue about such issues as jealousy, sex or money, the origins of these arguments are usually some form of protest about not feeling connected, not trusting, or not feeling safe or secure in our relationship.
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